Loneliness

I am convinced that one of the most difficult things anyone can face in life is feelings of isolation and loneliness, which are often associated with feelings of depression and hopelessness.

Feeling lonely can be overwhelming, and deeply painful.

The truth is, while most of us will face seasons of loneliness at some point in our lives, we tend to feel isolated in or by our particular experiences of loneliness. That's part of our struggle, and it can add to the feelings of seclusion and despair. We feel lonely in our loneliness, which can increase depression and hopelessness. This can make us feel overwhelmed and, frankly, all-the-more lonely.

It is a vicious cycle.

I believe strongly our gracious God is offering us hope in this very area. I have personally found the most difficult and overwhelming feelings of loneliness can be counterbalanced when confronted by God’s love, mercy, grace & hope.

The truth is: loneliness has very little to do with the number of people you are around. Lonely people may find themselves physically alone, or in the midst of a crowd of people. While my single friends most often express a feeling of loneliness, some of the loneliest people I know are my married friends. How many friends you may have or how popular you are really does not make any difference. Feelings of loneliness are overwhelming. It is the feeling of being friendless, lost or forlorn. And, these feelings of despair can come at times when we least expect them. We need healthy and authentic relationships with others, and loneliness can be the result whenever we feel misunderstood, unwelcome or unwanted – or whenever we do not have healthy and authentic Christ-centered relationships where we find belonging, hope, and encouragement.

Loneliness can be one of the most overwhelming feelings we feel. But I want you to know, there is hope! Here are some deep truths that we must acknowledge if we are to conquer the hopelessness that can accompany seasons of loneliness.

1.) We were made for relationship.

In the book of Genesis, we find clear evidence of God’s big picture. In Genesis 1:1, the very opening words of scripture point to a God who is above all, before all, and through all. He IS the creator who envisioned it all in the first place.

“In the beginning God created…” which means God was already there. He was at work before creation even began. The entire chapter of Genesis 1 tells of the unfolding of His creation: the creation of light, His placing of the stars, the moon & the sun in the sky, God’s filling the whole earth with all living things…it is glorious indeed! We must understand how very intentional God was when He was creating the earth we enjoy.

The story of creation is a miraculous picture of God’s heart! And, in Genesis 1:26 we see a clear picture of God’s heart for us – the very people He has made for His glory. God says, “Let us make man (human) in our image, in our likeness…” (Emphasis mine.) The plural language of this verse is intentional and, I believe, crucial for us to understand.

Not only is God the driving force behind all of creation, but He refers to Himself in this verse as “we.” This reality of the trinity is so complex and dynamic; it alone could, and has, filled many books. However, the point of it all is preciously simple: we are made in the image of God, who in Himself is intrinsically a relational being.

It is not a far jump of logic, then, to understand that we were made to be relational ourselves. In fact, scripture leaves us no doubt that we were made, created, formed, and shaped by the very God of the universe who is, relational at His very core. We cannot escape the reality we were made for deep and lasting fellowship with this GREAT God – and with the others He has created.

That is why it hurts so deeply when our relationships with God and one another are broken. That is why seasons of loneliness overwhelm and threaten something deep within our souls. You and I were created to invest in and enjoy the very relationships we crave. And when life’s situations or the choices of ourselves and/or others leave us feeling isolated and alone, we know something is very wrong. We feel empty because we are not being filled the way we crave. The truth is, we crave fulfillment from relationship because that is who God is.

We absolutely must understand this truth before we can understand the hope and wholeness God is offering us in this very area of our lives.

2.) Maybe our personal feelings are not the point.

Feelings are difficult to understand. We can feel hungry, happy, sad, tired, bitter, and lonely. There are a myriad of things we can, and do feel, every moment of every day. Feelings are sometimes the strongest things we sense. Feelings can have an irritating way of overwhelming everything else. Feelings can also affect our opinions and reactions to the events of our lives as we live out each day. Some of us are better than others at keeping our feelings in check – but all of us have feelings or emotions that drive us.

The problem is: feelings are not trustworthy. Feelings are… just feelings.

Yes, feelings can impact our thoughts, opinions, outlook and approach to life. But, feelings are mysterious. And, oftentimes, feelings can be fleeting. For instance, I can be happy one moment and sad the next – that does not necessarily mean that something happy happened one moment and something sad happened in the next.

Feelings are legitimate, in that whatever I feel, or however I feel it, is exactly what and/or how I feel. My feelings are my feelings, and they are important. My feelings matter, and so do yours, but only to a certain extent.

Because, my feelings and yours, whatever they might be at any particular moment, are not reliable. If I am tired I am more prone to unhappy feelings. If I am well-rested, I am more prone to happier feelings. If I can have varying “feelings” about the same situation, based on the amount of sleep I had the night before, or by how stressful my life has been in recent days, then my feelings really are not trustworthy.

And, then again, some feelings are fleeting while others are more permanent. Nevertheless, they are only how I happen to feel about those things or those people at that particular moment. Maybe my feelings are not the point. Maybe your feelings are not the point. Maybe there is a bigger picture we need to choose to see.

This thought occurred to me one season of life that felt particularly lonely. I had a conversation with a trusted mentor who encouraged me to focus my thinking in Philippians 4. There, the Apostle Paul is encouraging the church in Philippi to rejoice in the Lord, always. That is a difficult thing for us to do. Especially for those of us who struggle with feelings of depression and loneliness, which often attack our lives simultaneously. How in the world are we supposed to rejoice in the Lord when our world feels as though it is falling apart?

Paul gives us the answer when he writes, “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things…and the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8-9)

And so, I tried to focus my thoughts on the things I knew were true. Where I had been feeling quite depressed because I was lonely, I began to see the truth: that was I was not actually alone at all. God made me. God knows me. God has a plan for my life. God’s big picture was brighter than mine was in every possible way. As soon as I took the emphasis off what I was “feeling” and focused on the hope I have in who God is, the feelings of depression because of the loneliness began to subside. I began to think about things that were noble, right, pure and lovely. And, believe me – my feeling sorry for myself – was not at all noble, right, pure and lovely. Yes, I was in a season of life that was lonelier than I would have liked. However, the minute I honestly acknowledged that I was not completely alone, because of God’s love for me, the negative power of the loneliness diminished. Almost immediately I was not as lonely or as hopeless as I had been, because I took the emphasis and focus off of myself.

I quickly realized I could not continue to focus on the “woe-is-me” thinking and feeling if I was to honor the word of the Lord in my life. Moreover, the minute I got the eyes of my heart off me and focused on my Awesome Father, and on his heart and love for me, the deep pain and agony disappeared. There is power in bringing our thought life under the convicting power of the Holy Spirit. I might have still been physically alone in those moments, but I was no longer quite as lonely, and that was a blessing indeed!

Maybe our feelings of loneliness, depression, and hopelessness are not the point. Maybe the point is (it always has been and always will be) WHO GOD IS, and the minute we intentionally choose HIM instead of giving into the self-gratifying feelings of sadness because we find ourselves alone, we will begin to find the hope we so desperately need.

3.) Intentional Intimacy

When I was a teenager, my Youth Pastor used to toss words around like “doing daily devotions,” or “having quiet time with God.” The trouble was, I never really understood exactly what he meant by those phrases. In my adult life, I have come to learn how very crucial it is for Christians to choose to spend quality alone time with God. Yet, so many of us have never been taught how to do this.

Many believers truly love God, but we do not know how to spend time with Him. This scares me on many levels. Think about the closet relationships you have in your life. There is something to be said for spending quality time with that person or those people. Relationships that you do not properly invest in WILL eventually fade away. If this is true for our relationship with God, as it is with others, then it is a HUGE concern that many of us do not know HOW to pursue a close and authentic relationship with God.

In addition, intimacy with God is a major theme of scripture. In Deuteronomy Chapter 4, we read a warning to the Israelites. Through Moses God is sending a message: “Seek me, follow my ways, obey my commands and you will be my blessed people. Create idols, turn away from my decrees, you’re on a path to destruction!”

The verses throughout Chapter 4 clearly outline what God’s people are to do and who God’s people are to be. Then in verse 29 God promises, “But if from there (from exile, because of disobedience) you seek the LORD your God, you will find him (the LORD your GOD) if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.” God wants to be in close relationship with His people, but we must invest our whole heart, and our whole lives to find Him.

In the book of 1 Chronicles, this idea is reiterated. In Chapter 28, King David tasks his son Solomon to lead God’s people justly. David says, in verse 9, “And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.” Repeatedly in scripture, we are encouraged to seek God. If we seek Him, we will find Him.

Jesus Himself gave us some of the most familiar words in scripture, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matt 6:33). Could it be any clearer? We are to seek God; we are to be intentional in spending time with Him, and investing ourselves in right relationship with our God. It is a miracle indeed that we are invited to such intimacy with the creator of the universe!

What if, the next time you are experiencing a season of loneliness, you chose to use that time to be intentional in growing closer to God. What might that look like for you?

4.) Alone…but not lonely

The picture that comes to my mind is of two lovers walking hand-in-hand in a gorgeous garden. This idea might seem foreign to you, but it is scriptural as well. The prophets Jeremiah, Ezekiel & Hosea all used “lover and beloved” language to refer to the intimate relationship of God and His people. In my mind, it is such a clear and beautiful picture of the intimacy to which we are invited. We are, after all, God’s beloved.

I remember an old hymn that I learned as a child. It is called “In the Garden.” The melody is reflective and the words are meaningful. I wish you could hear this very song to understand how and why it comes to mind whenever I picture healthy-loneliness. Take a minute to read these words, and if you know the song – feel free to sing along. The words are as follows:
“I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear, falling on my ears
The Son of God discloses:
And He walks with me, and He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own.
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.
You speak and the sound of Your voice
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing
And the melody that You gave to me
Within my heart is ringing…”

You and I will not ever be able to protect ourselves completely from moments, or seasons of life where we feel alone. But, being alone and feeling lonely are two very different things. It is absolutely crucial we come to understand the power we have to choose which of these two categories we find ourselves at any particular time.

The picture I have in my head is of a person choosing to get away and “spend some time with the Lord.” I must confess that more often than not, this is the last thing I want to do when I feel overwhelmed with loneliness. There is too much of a draw for me to want to feel sorry for myself, or run to a person I can physically see and touch to fill the void I am suddenly feeling. But, the choice we have instead is to view these times where we find ourselves alone as opportunities to draw close to our Master, our Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ.

Intimacy with Jesus ONLY comes from intentionally drawing close to Him. When you find yourself facing a season of particular loneliness, you have this choice to make. Either you will choose to draw close to the lover of your soul – your maker, redeemer, sustainer, your Savior – or you will withdraw out of pain, disappointment, and fear, “into yourself.” The choice you must make is between intimacy with the one who made you and gave His life to save you, or more isolation by yourself.

When we come to times of loneliness we can choose to bring our pain, our disappointment, our fears to the One who knows us best and loves us most. That is the picture I have when I encounter “The Garden” song. You and I cannot always choose when we will face particular times of isolating loneliness. But we can choose, when those times come, to use that opportunity to draw close to our Savior. Instead of focusing on your own pain, learn to listen to His heart of love for you. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, reach out and grab hold of the one who is offering His very self to you in that moment.

It is crucial that you remember: you were made for relationship.

God wants to draw you into a right relationship with Him, and He has given us that gift through the life, death, and resurrection of His precious Son Jesus. Learning to walk with Jesus, and live a life of intimacy with the Eternal God-head is a process. But, be encouraged, it is the greatest adventure we are invited to embark on. Whenever you are lonely, choose worship and prayer instead of self-focus and loathing. Jeremiah 29:11 is quite familiar, but have you ever read through to verse 13? God says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” So, seek Him, and you will find Him indeed.

“Purpose to seek Him—He will be your reward. Purpose to know Him—He will reveal Himself to you. Purpose to follow Him—He will lead the way. Purpose to enjoy Him—He will be your closest friend. Purpose to praise Him—He will be your song. Purpose to trust Him—He will be your provider. Purpose to be totally His—He will be totally yours.” ~ Roy Lessin

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13).
AMEN.