Those are difficult words to write, and even more challenging to get my heart and mind to fully comprehend. You see, my mom is one of the most full-of-life, energetic, positive and incredible people I have ever known. Many people who know my mom would concur; she is a unique and amazing God-fearing woman. I am truly blessed to get to be her daughter.
And yet, she has cancer. Breast cancer. Of the mysterious and difficult-to-treat sort.
This journey has been understandably hard for our family. Anytime you hear the "cancer" word it feels heavy; as though that very word has the power to condemn. (Thank goodness it does not!) And before I go on, I must say that I could not be more thankful for the Doctors and Nurses who have given exceptional care to my mom. Every time we turn around there is someone "looking out" for mom, making her feel seen and heard in this journey, and going above and beyond to help treat her. And for that I could not be more thankful.
And yet...CANCER! (It seems like it should be an expletive - I feel that strongly about the word and its current power in my life).
Here's the scoop as it stands today: last week mom had a double mastectomy. In an attempt to aggressively treat this monstrous disease, she opted for the surgery which would give her the best chance at long-term survival, recovery, and health. I firmly support her in that decision.Wholeheartedly. But, a double mastectomy is a very painful journey. She is handling it amazingly well. I, however, have my moments.
Seeing a loved one in pain is heart-wrenching. Here is the woman who has loved me and cared for me for 34+ years. She carried me in her womb and gave me life. She has disciplined and encouraged me, challenged and celebrated me, and believe me when I say that she mentored me masterfully through all those obnoxious teenage years. She is my mom and one of my best friends. I love her more than my very life, and to see her in pain actually cause me pain. It cuts deep. Sometimes, it is too hard to bear. Sometimes I just want to scream.
The other day I actually did. My dad (note: mom and dad have been married for 45 years - imagine how difficult this has been on him!) and I were talking about nothing all that profound, and I just exploded with anger. I do not know where the anger came from, it just arrived and overwhelmed me. I screamed into a pillow, and then massacred the pillow on the couch until I was spent and the emotion had run its course.
Dad just looked at me, put his arm around me and said, "Me too, baby."
In my honest moments before God I want to scream "WHY?!?!" (A fair and reasonable question).
And yet, there is this deep part of me echoing that question with a "Wait, why not?"
~ PROMISES, PROMISES ~
Throughout this journey I have been privileged to share deep and meaningful conversation with many whom I respect deeply. Multiple times the honest reflection has been shared with me: "I just don't get it, I mean your mom has given her life in service to God, she has lived well -better than many I know- why is this happening to her?"
Truly, I think that is a fair question. I think it is honest, and I think it is a natural response to the unexplainable. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Why? Sometimes good things happen to bad people. Why? Sometimes it just doesn't make sense, and I know that the honest question of "WHY?!?" is one which just sometimes needs to be asked. Rest assured, God does not discount that line of honest questioning. I don't know the answer to those questions, but I do know something for certain: God is God and He knows things that I don't. He is wise, and His wisdom makes my knowledge seem stunted. Or non-existent even. God sees us and knows our honest selves (even when we may be blinded by pretense), and I know that God is bigger than any question, or doubt, or assumption, or wrong theology (no matter how firmly we believe it).
So, I don't think those questions of "why this person, why this tragedy" are wrong to ask.
But, I do think those questions are very revealing. What (or Who) are we really putting our faith in and believing? Do we really trust the nature and the character of God even when it costs us some pain?
Is God still good even though my mom has cancer? ABSOLUTELY! Is He still worthy of praise even though my heart is overwhelmed in pain? WITHOUT A DOUBT! Has anything of God (His nature, His character, His love and mercy and grace) changed because my life "got flipped turned upside down" as Will Smith once rapped? NOPE. Not one iota.
One of the strongest messages of hope my mom has received during this journey so far is from a refrain in a song titled "Same God" by Newsong. She has listened to the song before every appointment, surgery, checkup, and every time she has felt discouraged. The chorus says: "The same God who was with you then, is with you now. The same God who led you in will lead you out. So take all your fear and doubt, go on and lay them down, the same God, the same God is with you now."
Awesome. And true.
God is still God. What an amazing thought! He is still holy, righteous and just. He is still merciful, patient, loving and kind. He has not changed. In fact, this journey with cancer has only opened my eyes to see more clearly His beautiful heart...and I stand in awe of who He is.
You see, the truth is: followers of Jesus are not promised health and wealth. It sounds catchy, it even rhymes, and man-O-man do I wish it were true...but it is not scriptural. We ARE assured blessing (and when God blesses, it is better than we can hope or imagine!), but we ARE NOT promised comfort in our journeys, freedom from pain, and immunity from trials/sickness/disappointment and even death.
The other thing often misunderstood is that we cannot earn favor with God. It is just plain bad theology to assume the more "good" I do in this life the more "good" God will give me in return. Sometimes it seems to work that way, but often it doesn't. And, for the record, I can find nowhere in scripture where it affirms that God has some sort of accountant spreadsheet and He is tallying all the good we do, subtracting all the bad, and equating the result with the measure of His love He will pour out. What blasphemy!
God is not unjust because my mom has cancer. My mom has cancer because she lives in a human body, prone to all sorts of disease and brokenness. God is not unloving because my mom has cancer. In fact, maybe it's just me, but I see His hand of love/mercy/grace all over the fact that moms cancer was found early (by a routine mamogram), and that there are doctors and nurses who knew how to handle, treat, and deal with the cancer. That has not always been the case, and I am thankful for the miraculous strides that have been made to improve care to cancer patients in the past several decades.
But, you see, I think God would still be just, even if we hadn't caught this cancer in time. I would still know Him to be full of love, mercy, grace and truth, even if the medical profession was clueless as to what to do. (I'm sure I'd be a whole lot more angry, and the pain would run much deeper, but God would still be God.) After all, God Himself is the great physician. He made my mom. And He could heal her. And He could choose to take her life today, even when she is seemingly on the road to recovery. Neither of those choices would determine who God is, for He is who He has always been. Irregardless of my story, and my pain, and my understanding of who God is... He still IS. He always has been and He always will be.
Scripture says God Almighty knit my mom together in her mother's womb. I think God did a fabulous job with my mom. Personally, I want her to live forever because she is just that amazing a blessing to my life. But even though she won't (my mom most certainly will die some day of cancer, or being hit by a car, or of old age, or some other tragic thing)...and God will still be who He always has been. He is good. He is righteous. He is Almighty. He is GOD. Yahweh. Very God of very gods. He has no equal, and He has no challenger for His throne. His love endures forever.
So, my answer (imperfect though I'm sure it is) to the question of "why me?" Is "why not me?" In a conversation I had with my sister we both were amazed at how peace-filled our hearts seemed during this time when everywhere we look there is a "stressor" fighting to get our attention. I honestly cannot remember who said this first, her or me (it was probably her, she is the wiser of the two)...but we said "You know, if mom dies from this cancer thing, it will be WAY TOO SOON...she is WAY TOO YOUNG. But, you know, if she dies at 100 I'll still feel like it was WAY TOO SOON." I think both of us have come to the realization in this journey that the thing that is the most "unfair" of all is how blessed we have been to get to be her daughters. It truly isn't fair to have grown up in such a loving home, with such amazing God-honoring parents. How thankful I am to have been so blessed indeed!
You might think I'm crazy. I'm sure you'd be correct in that assumption. But, I just truly sense a peace which cannot be explained amidst the chaos of this cancer.
I know God is still God - He is who He claims to be in scripture, and He hasn't changed. I know that cancer, and pain and death is NOT the final word, for Jesus did not just die on the cross He rose from the grave and CONQUERED pain and death. I know that God desires to bless me. And, as much as I wish His blessing would come in in the form of a "CANCER-FREE" surprise diagnosis for mom, I still know that the peace and joy I feel in this time are equally miraculous and undeserved as that miracle would be.
To God be the glory - for all He has done, and all He has yet to do - but mostly for being the Awesome Abba that He is.
(Eph 3:20)
