Morning Prayer

Sitting in class learning of Eastern Orthodoxy. I am enthralled. Something about their tradition, sincerity, and deep passion for truth allures me.

Our visiting lecturer is a Greek Orthodox Monk in/near Beaverton. He introduced a prayer to us I deeply desire to remember. It is accredited to Metropolitan Philaret of Moscow (1782 - 1867).

O Lord, grant that I may greet the coming day in peace. 

Help me to rely upon Your holy will. 

In every hour of every day, reveal Your will to me. 

Bless my association with those who surround me. 

Teach me to treat all that comes to me with peace of soul 

& the firm conviction that Your will governs all. 

In all my deeds and words, guide my thoughts and feelings. 

In unforeseen events, let me not forget that all is sent by You. 

Teach me to act firmly and wisely, 

Without embittering or embarrassing others. 

Grant me to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring. 

Direct my will. 

Teach me to pray. 

Pray Yourself within me. 

Amen

Do you ever feel like a frog?

Sitting in class today, my professor introduced an old fable. Who knows where it originated. Apparently (you can see the reference below) it has been published by both Bruce Larson and Charles Swindoll. I found it online...these are not my words. They are, however, significant.

I ask you to consider...have you ever felt like a frog?

Frogs feel slow, low, ugly, puffy, drooped, pooped. I know. One told me.

The frog feeling comes when you want to be bright but feel dumb, when you want to share but are selfish, when you want to be thankful but feel resentment, when you want to be great but are small, when you want to care but are indifferent. Yes, at one time or another each of us has found himself on a lily pad, floating down the great river of life. Frightened and disgusted, we're too froggish to budge.

Once upon a time there was a frog, only he wasn't really a frog, he was a prince who looked and felt like a frog. The wicked witch had cast a spell on him and only the kiss of a beautiful maiden could save him. But since when do cute chicks kiss frogs? So there he sat, an unkissed prince in frog form. One day a beautiful maiden gathered him up and gave him a big smack! Zap!! There he was, a frog turned handsome prince and they lived happily after.

So what's the task of the Christian? Kissing frogs, of course!

--Bruce Larson, Ask Me to Dance (The Tale of the Tardy Oxcart, Charles R. Swindoll).

The Trouble With Job!!!

Have you ever honestly read the book of Job? If not, let me tell you, it is quite amazing. And not necessarily in the most positive meaning of the word.

The book is found in the Old Testament right before the Book of Psalms. But be warned: it is one of the more difficult reads in scripture. In my opinion, it is potentially one of the most disturbing glimpses into the story of God that we have in writing.

Truth be told, it's kind of insane. Now, I'm not trying to be disrespectful to the Word of God or anything. But, I am trying to be brutally honest with you here: the Book of Job raises some tough questions.

What is the meaning of life?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Where is God when we are suffering the deepest pain of our life?

Who is this God that we are often so quick to worship, and what is His role in the journey of our pain?

I’ve got to be honest here. The book of Job does not give us too many clear answers. Neither does it leave us with mere arbitrary interpretation. Rest assured, there is a clear message in Job.

But, it is not for the faint of heart.

JOB: THE BIG PICTURE

The first significant thing we learn about the person of Job is that he was more than a rich man; he was a righteous man. He lived a blameless and upright life before the Lord. This man took his faith seriously. He lived what he preached. He went the extra mile and did everything "by the book." He even made extra sacrifices to amend for any secret or unseen sin of his children.

When it came to matters of faith, apparently, this dude knew how to “get ‘er done!” And he did so as well as anyone could ever hope to.

And yet, that did not save him from unthinkable tragedy.

As far as Job knew, the day was like any other. Until the unimaginable happened. Picture this: a messenger runs up to tell Job that some Sabeans had just attacked and killed Job’s servants and ran off with his donkeys and oxen. Before he's even finished, a second messenger immediately shows up and announces some lightening and a resulting fire swept away more of Job’s servants and his sheep. Once again before that message is even complete, a third messenger arrives and proclaims the Chaldeans have just swooped down, killed more servants, and stole all Job’s camels. Talk about a rough day!

And then messenger number four arrives.

He brings the most devastating news of all: Job’s children have been killed by a “mighty wind,” similar to that of a tornado. At this point, I am sure Job is stunned into silence and shocked into numbness by the overwhelming loss of it all. Who could even wrap their minds around such a tragedy?

The details of these attacks are sparse. All we know is Job began the day a very wealthy, and seemingly happy fellow. Until, in one moment, all that changed.

Can you imagine the shock? The pain? The disbelief? The despair?

Have you been there yourself?

Remember the caution you have been given: the story of Job is quite disturbing. And yet, it isn't even finished. In the very next chapter, Job is struck by terrible sores from head to foot. He was in such misery, he went to sit in a pile of ashes to grieve; hoping just to die. His wife approaches and says, "Why don't you just curse God and die?" (emphasis mine).

Why, indeed.

I personally think that question is more than fair. I know if such a thing had just happened to me, that might very well be my first response. Many of us cannot even imagine such gut-wrenching agony. All wealth, status, and our children - completely wiped away.

Sometimes there are just no words.

And sometimes, the only words we can think of to express the pain would be inappropriate to share here.

Let's be honest: sometimes life truly sucks. Sometimes, there are moments of such torment, grief and despair that cursing God and dying may seem like the only honest and rational response to the hell of it all.

Job, however, is more righteous and trusting. His faith astounds me. Job responds to His wife (who is legitimately in agony as well)..."How can we take the good from God and not the bad?"

Touche.

Like I've said from the beginning, the story of Job is rather intense. It is a story of a righteous and wealthy man who looses it all one very awful day. It is a story of a God who seems to have intentionally allowed (and maybe even caused?) such chaos and agony. It is a story of the deepest grief and the most wretched hell a person could live through in one day.

And, my friends... it is a story of redemption.

The trouble with Job is, you as a reader have to walk with him through some very tricky theological truths, ask some really tough questions with no easy answers, and experience with Job some rather difficult moments before you can honestly come through the story of Job and its pain to the restoration God so graciously offers.

Life is messy, and not everything makes perfect sense. The story of Job affirms this. And yet, there is a beauty in the broken, and some lessons to be learned - if we are willing.

JOB: THREE LESSONS ON LIFE, LOSS, AND LOVE...

1.) There is no promised protection from tragedy.

If wealth, popularity, prosperity, favor with God, or blessing from God were enough, then the story of Job could not have happened.

Think about it. There have been few individuals in the scope of history who are known by just their first name. Most are notorious bad guys… even fewer are the heroes of the story who stand well-known enough to be known by their first name and little more. Jesus… Ghandi… (King) David… (Mother) Teresa...

Job is on a rather short list.

And, scripture is clear. Job had wealth and prosperity aplenty. Job had everything he could ever hope or dream. He was known as the “greatest” man in the East. And yet, smack-dab in the middle of what seemed a normal and blessed life Job came face-to-face with his worst nightmare.

There was no warning, and no provocation. The torment came suddenly. The "normal" got turned upside down. Tragedy struck. Life changed. Agony ensued.

There is a prevailing thought among many (for most of us it remains subconscious) that somehow following God is the road to prosperity, hope, and fulfillment of our deepest dreams and desires. It seems to me the story of Job sufficiently denies such claims. Our personal prosperity, hope, and fulfillment very well may not be the point or result of following God. The story of Job certainly seems to suggest that his (Job's) righteousness, and his (Job's) blameless walk may have even been part of the reason for his tragedy.

More on that later.

For now, we must honestly wrestle with the truth that wealth, comfort, prosperity, and status in life is not permanent, nor does it have power to counterbalance the certainty that life will bring its own measure of difficulty to each one of us.

There is not enough wealth or blessing in the world to keep you from death, guard you from disappointment, or protect you from despair. Life is messy. Each and every one of us will face some rather difficult and messy things in our life.

And, here is an even scarier thought: the wealthier you are, sometimes, the more difficult these things can be because wealth brings with it an illusion of safety that is nothing more than a mere facade.

The truth is, tragedy is tragic. Tragedy is unbiased; it will eventually reach us all. Tragedy is immune to the glories of wealth, and ungracious toward the plight of the impoverished. Tragedy stinks. Tragedy comes at a time you least expect it, when you certainly aren't ready for it, and always when you don't want it.

That may be why Jesus says, ""Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21)

Jesus warned us the things of this world could not protect us. Job's story affirms the same truth. There is no amount of earthly treasure that can or will protect you from the pain and suffering of loss, disappointment, grief and/or death.

Which brings us to lesson number two.

2.) Sometimes well-meaning people can hurt and not help a painful situation.


One of the things in the Job story that is both beautiful as well as frustrating is the imposition of his friends into the situation.

The beauty of Job's friends is that they show up. What a wonderful gift to someone whose life is falling to pieces to have friends walk with them through the despair of the situation. The frustration I have with Job's friends is that they don't seem to know when to shut up and listen, when to back off, and when to let go.

Understandably at this point in the story Job is a wreck. He is not only deep in grief and despair - he is suicidal. Honestly, who wouldn't be? His life has been ruined by things outside of his control. Yes, there is a bigger story, but NO ONE could expect Job to see or understand that amidst the shocking loss of his children, his wealth, and his status.

Job, understandably, wishes he had never been born.

And so three of his friends show up to lend their love and support. Which is wonderful. Until they start to "help" by giving their input into a situation they know little to nothing about. Eliphaz is the first to speak. But, here's the rub: in the same breath he honors Job for his character, he simultaneously begins a subtle attack on Job's integrity by implying Job must have done something wrong to deserve this.

That's probably not the word a friend deep in despair needs in his or her moment of loss.

Job replies (these words are my summation of Job's lament to his friends), "I am in such pain right now, I want to die. Isn't that understandable, given what I've been through?" Job then calls his friends out on their behavior. He needs love and support, not condemnation. He needs wisdom and understanding, not trite answers.

Again, the frustrating truth: sometimes well-meaning people can actually make the situation worse.

From Job Chapter 3 through Job Chapter 37 Job and his friends go back and forth. The friends (Eliphaz, Bildad, Zophar, and eventually Elihu) make some good points.

• Why not learn from your pain instead of waging your complaints against God? "Can you fathom the mysteries of God?" ~ Zophar (Job 11:7). A valid point to consider. 

• God answers prayer. "Submit to God and be at peace with Him." ~ Eliphaz (Job 22:21). Again, a good suggestion. Eliphaz is certainly trying to honor God here. 

• "It is impossible for God to do evil" ~ Elihu (Job 34:10). That is true.

None of these, however, get down to the core issue Job is facing: "WHY all this tragic loss at the hand of a loving God I've served all my life," and "What am I to do now?"

The responses of Jobs friends, while partially true, actually do more to harm the healing of Job and his heart because they are incomplete distractions from the root of the questions and pain.

This brings us to lesson number three.

3.) Sometimes there are no answers.

Sit with that truth for just a moment.

You might struggle to believe it, because we have been taught God is God, and He is in control, and "all things work together for good..."

Yes, scripture is clear that God is God, He is in control, and scripture does say "that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28-NIV) Somehow, however, we have supposed this to mean that all things will be "peachy-keen" if we love God. That is not what this particular verse is implying. Rather, Paul in this verse in Romans is affirming that God has a bigger picture, and that His plan and heart for people is good. That, however, does not mean that only good things will happen to us. Nor does it mean that our "picture perfect" understanding of what is "good" for our lives matches with the bigger picture of God's perfect and holy vision.

Sometimes bad things happen. We wonder why. Sometimes, there is not an easy or an acceptable answer to those situations. Sometimes there is no clear answer at all.

Rest assured, no matter what we may walk through God is still God, and He is still on His throne. However, you are not God and neither am I. We see a problem and we look for a solution.

Note: there is almost always a solution...some wiser and better than others. But, solutions are not answers.

The uncomfortable reality we really need to understand is there is not always a clear and understandable reason of "why." The "why's" of life rest only in God's hands.

Seeing that He alone is the Almighty, doesn't it make sense He might understand things that elude us?

Consider the story of Forrest Gump. Jenny and Forrest are two best friends through the best and worst life has to offer. Together they grow and live through some amazing and rather difficult life situations. In adulthood they are re-united for a brief time, and together they visit the childhood home of Jenny who lived for years under an abusive and wretched father. At one point, Jenny starts throwing rocks at the abandoned building of her childhood home. She is, understandably, angry and broken at the memories the home represents. As the camera fades back and the audience gains some perspective, we hear the voice of Forrest (her closest friend through it all) say, "Sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks."

He's right.

I do not pretend to know the "why" of life. I am neither that smart, nor that profound a thinker. And, yet, I am sure the question of "why" is one of the most common asked of God. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people?

Why?

It is certainly a fair question. We want to understand the reason behind the pain. Sometimes we are even given the gift of some broader perspective. We live through some of the pain and misery of this life, and are given the gift of perfect hindsight vision.

Unfortunately, however, this is not always the case.

If we are willing to be honest, life offers some really cruel moments. Death, rejection, natural disaster, world hunger, poverty, violence, racism, greed, debauchery, sexual abuse, murder...the list could certainly continue.

There is always a consequence to sin. And, sometimes, the deepest pain of our lives comes as a result (consequence) of the choices and sin of others. This is not fair.

Let me say it again: IT IS NOT FAIR that some of our deepest pain comes as a result of the choices of others. Truly, there is nothing "fair" about that. But, as my mom always said, "no one ever promised life would be fair." Ouch. I wish she was wrong.

Maybe our questioning of "WHO" is God that He could allow this, and "WHERE" was He when it was happening, and "HOW" are we supposed to love this God now are all normal responses to the depths of our grief and pain.

They aren't, however, the whole of the story.

While I do not have a good answer for "why," I do have a response to the question of why. And that is, maybe we are asking the wrong question. Maybe it's not the "why" of these inherently evil things... maybe we should be asking "who" allowed it in the first place?

You see, one of the things of which I am absolutely convinced is our God is good. He is righteous. He is faithful, just, and true. And, yet, in the face of the darkness of life our faith in this Almighty and All-Powerful God can often be eclipsed by the pain and suffering around us. Maybe instead of "why" we should be seeking to better know and understand the "who" behind it all.

I have no doubt, if we honestly seek to know this God of whom I refer, we will be shocked and amazed by His mercy and love.

JOB: A STORY OF THE GREAT & ALMIGHTY GOD

There is a reason this chapter is titled "The Trouble With Job." If you have taken the opportunity to read the Biblical account, then you have come across one of the most unlikely stories of God we have in the canon of scripture.

Before the physical pain, before the loss of his children or Job's property, the story actually begins with God Almighty. We have a rare glimpse into the throne room of God. Satan, or who the Hebrew language refers to as our "adversary," appears before God. (Kind of a crazy thought). God and "Adversary" then have a conversation. (This, somehow is quite disturbing to me). God asks where "Adversary" has been and he replies, "From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it."

At this point, I'm wondering why "Adversary" is allowed access to the world to go back and forth in the first place. Another question with no answer I can or will understand.

So, God responds, "Have you considered my servant Job?"

In light of this it may make sense to you why I refused to read the book of Job until I had to for a seminary assignment. Who wants to deal with this encounter between God Almighty and our adversary whereby God practically taunts "Adversary" into attacking Job.

"Adversary" challenges God in response: "The reason Job serves you is you have given him every blessing!" So God replies: "Okay, if that's what you think, take his blessings away, but don't kill him."

What in the world???

As much as we might want to explain this passage away, or ignore what it implies, it seems clear to me we must wrestle with a very difficult truth here... God is God. He is not ours to mold or shape into our image, nor is He one we can or ever will fully understand.

And, even more important...He is still (even in light of this difficult moment in scripture) a God worthy of praise, adoration, trust, hope, and love. 1 John tells us God is love. Therefore, love is not something He does, it is who He is... therefore God cannot act a part from love. Even when we don't understand the whys of it all.

And, even here, when God is basically handing Job over to "Adversary" to do his worst... God is still God, and He is still loving, patient and kind.

Consider the reality that pain usually has a purpose.

Think about it: We don't like pain. Pain hurts. And yet, there is a level of reality which says that pain can be one of the most significant motivators for change. When our body hurts, we respond. When our heart hurts, we respond. When our feelings are hurt, we respond. It is almost impossible to feel significant pain and not respond.

At the end of the story of Job we encounter a rather intriguing response from God Almighty who basically says, "Hey there...I am God, you are not. Let's put this back into perspective." This might seem harsh to you. It is not. It is just truth. Job has been mistreated. God's hand was a part of that journey. He is, after all God. I'm pretty certain we are only meant to comprehend part of what this even means.

Is it possible God is seeking to use the pain in our lives to draw us closer to His heart wherein lies perfect love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control, and faithfulness that we so desperately need?

Isn't it possible that God sees some things that we don't: His purpose and plan in it all is to draw us into closer, deeper, more honest intimacy with Him.

Even if it means walking through hell to get there?

You may not like it, but that is the truth. Again, remember, God IS love. Therefore, everything He does is full of love. Love is in His DNA. It is not something he does, it IS who He IS. Loving. So, even when our world is falling to shambles, that is one truth that has not changed.

I may not have an understandable answer to the questions of "why" in your life. But, I do know the "Who" that has been trying to love you through it. I do know that He has walked with you through the most hellish torment; He has cried alongside of you; His heart has broken for the pain you are bearing. And, this same God is the one who Himself died so that you could be healed, free, restored, and truly know love.

There is beauty in the broken. Though we may never know why, we can know who. And that, my friends, is the trouble with Job. Because, this God is God the Almighty. And, I mean...the most mighty of all.

He is the one (the only One) who has the right to ask:

"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much" (38:4).

"Who kept the sea inside its boundaries as it burst from the womb, and as I clothed it with clouds and wrapped it in thick darkness?" (38:8-9).

"Have you ever commanded the morning to appear and caused the dawn to rise in the east?" (38:12).

"Where does light come from, and where does darkness go? Can you take each to its home? Do you know how to get there?" (38:19-20).

"Can you direct the movement of the stars — binding the cluster of the Pleiades or loosening the cords of Orion? Can you direct the sequence of the seasons or guide the Bear with her cubs across the heavens?" (38:31-32).

"Do you know the laws of the universe? Can you use them to regulate the earth?" (38:33).

"Are you as strong as God? Can you thunder with a voice like his?" (40:9)

God's questions go on for 126 verses. The point: God is God. God alone is God. There is none like Him. None that even come close.

We don't need to always have an answer or an explanation to know that He is God. We may not understand it, but He is still God. We may not even like it very much. But, He is still God. He IS the Almighty one. (At this point, I am so thankful that at the very least we can know and trust that He is love. Imagine the chaos if His character were anything different.)

Consider these words of Rob Bell (from his Nooma DVD series, "Whirlwind.") "We want answers; we want explanations. We want to know why we suffer like we do. [We ask] Could somebody please explain this? And there are times when the only honest, healthy, human thing to possibly do is shout your question and shake your fist and rage against the heavens and demand an explanation. But true wisdom, the kind we find here with Job, the kind that endures, the kind that sustains a person through deep suffering, that kind of wisdom knows when to speak and when to be silent. Because...your story is not over. The last word has not been spoken. And there may be way more going on here than any of us realize."

My hope and prayer for us all, amidst the worst that life has to offer, is that we would be honest enough and brave enough to call it what it is: horrible. And to choose to seek the WHO behind the WHAT. Because that, alone, is where our hope can be found.

Why me?

My mom has cancer.

Those are difficult words to write, and even more challenging to get my heart and mind to fully comprehend. You see, my mom is one of the most full-of-life, energetic, positive and incredible people I have ever known. Many people who know my mom would concur; she is a unique and amazing God-fearing woman. I am truly blessed to get to be her daughter.

And yet, she has cancer. Breast cancer. Of the mysterious and difficult-to-treat sort.

This journey has been understandably hard for our family. Anytime you hear the "cancer" word it feels heavy; as though that very word has the power to condemn. (Thank goodness it does not!) And before I go on, I must say that I could not be more thankful for the Doctors and Nurses who have given exceptional care to my mom. Every time we turn around there is someone "looking out" for mom, making her feel seen and heard in this journey, and going above and beyond to help treat her. And for that I could not be more thankful.

And yet...CANCER! (It seems like it should be an expletive - I feel that strongly about the word and its current power in my life).

Here's the scoop as it stands today: last week mom had a double mastectomy. In an attempt to aggressively treat this monstrous disease, she opted for the surgery which would give her the best chance at long-term survival, recovery, and health. I firmly support her in that decision.Wholeheartedly. But, a double mastectomy is a very painful journey. She is handling it amazingly well. I, however, have my moments.

Seeing a loved one in pain is heart-wrenching. Here is the woman who has loved me and cared for me for 34+ years. She carried me in her womb and gave me life. She has disciplined and encouraged me, challenged and celebrated me, and believe me when I say that she mentored me masterfully through all those obnoxious teenage years. She is my mom and one of my best friends. I love her more than my very life, and to see her in pain actually cause me pain. It cuts deep. Sometimes, it is too hard to bear. Sometimes I just want to scream.

The other day I actually did. My dad (note: mom and dad have been married for 45 years - imagine how difficult this has been on him!) and I were talking about nothing all that profound, and I just exploded with anger. I do not know where the anger came from, it just arrived and overwhelmed me. I screamed into a pillow, and then massacred the pillow on the couch until I was spent and the emotion had run its course.

Dad just looked at me, put his arm around me and said, "Me too, baby."

In my honest moments before God I want to scream "WHY?!?!" (A fair and reasonable question).

And yet, there is this deep part of me echoing that question with a "Wait, why not?"

~  PROMISES, PROMISES ~

Throughout this journey I have been privileged to share deep and meaningful conversation with many whom I respect deeply. Multiple times the honest reflection has been shared with me: "I just don't get it, I mean your mom has given her life in service to God, she has lived well -better than many I know- why is this happening to her?"

Truly, I think that is a fair question. I think it is honest, and I think it is a natural response to the unexplainable. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Why? Sometimes good things happen to bad people. Why? Sometimes it just doesn't make sense, and I know that the honest question of "WHY?!?" is one which just sometimes needs to be asked. Rest assured, God does not discount that line of honest questioning. I don't know the answer to those questions, but I do know something for certain: God is God and He knows things that I don't. He is wise, and His wisdom makes my knowledge seem stunted. Or non-existent even. God sees us and knows our honest selves (even when we may be blinded by pretense), and I know that God is bigger than any question, or doubt, or assumption, or wrong theology (no matter how firmly we believe it).

So, I don't think those questions of "why this person, why this tragedy" are wrong to ask.

But, I do think those questions are very revealing. What (or Who) are we really putting our faith in and believing? Do we really trust the nature and the character of God even when it costs us some pain?

Is God still good even though my mom has cancer? ABSOLUTELY! Is He still worthy of praise even though my heart is overwhelmed in pain? WITHOUT A DOUBT! Has anything of God (His nature, His character, His love and mercy and grace) changed because my life "got flipped turned upside down" as Will Smith once rapped? NOPE. Not one iota.

One of the strongest messages of hope my mom has received during this journey so far is from a refrain in a song titled "Same God" by Newsong. She has listened to the song before every appointment, surgery, checkup, and every time she has felt discouraged. The chorus says: "The same God who was with you then, is with you now. The same God who led you in will lead you out. So take all your fear and doubt, go on and lay them down, the same God, the same God is with you now."

Awesome. And true.

God is still God. What an amazing thought! He is still holy, righteous and just. He is still merciful, patient, loving and kind. He has not changed. In fact, this journey with cancer has only opened my eyes to see more clearly His beautiful  heart...and I stand in awe of who He is.

You see, the truth is: followers of Jesus are not promised health and wealth. It sounds catchy, it even rhymes, and man-O-man do I wish it were true...but it is not scriptural. We ARE assured blessing (and when God blesses, it is better than we can hope or imagine!), but we ARE NOT promised comfort in our journeys, freedom from pain, and immunity from trials/sickness/disappointment and even death.

The other thing often misunderstood is that we cannot earn favor with God. It is just plain bad theology to assume the more "good" I do in this life the more "good" God will give me in return. Sometimes it seems to work that way, but often it doesn't. And, for the record, I can find nowhere in scripture where it affirms that God has some sort of accountant spreadsheet and He is tallying all the good we do, subtracting all the bad, and equating the result with the measure of His love He will pour out. What blasphemy!

God is not unjust because my mom has cancer. My mom has cancer because she lives in a human body, prone to all sorts of disease and brokenness. God is not unloving because my mom has cancer. In fact, maybe it's just me, but I see His hand of love/mercy/grace all over the fact that moms cancer was found early (by a routine mamogram), and that there are doctors and nurses who knew how to handle, treat, and deal with the cancer. That has not always been the case, and I am thankful for the miraculous strides that have been made to improve care to cancer patients in the past several decades.

But, you see, I think God would still be just, even if we hadn't caught this cancer in time. I would still know Him to be full of love, mercy, grace and truth, even if the medical profession was clueless as to what to do. (I'm sure I'd be a whole lot more angry, and the pain would run much deeper, but God would still be God.) After all, God Himself is the great physician. He made my mom. And He could heal her. And He could choose to take her life today, even when she is seemingly on the road to recovery. Neither of those choices would determine who God is, for He is who He has always been. Irregardless of my story, and my pain, and my understanding of who God is... He still IS. He always has been and He always will be.

Scripture says God Almighty knit my mom together in her mother's womb. I think God did a fabulous job with my mom. Personally, I want her to live forever because she is just that amazing a blessing to my life. But even though she won't (my mom most certainly will die some day of cancer, or being hit by a car, or of old age, or some other tragic thing)...and God will still be who He always has been. He is good. He is righteous. He is Almighty. He is GOD. Yahweh. Very God of very gods. He has no equal, and He has no challenger for His throne. His love endures forever.

So, my answer (imperfect though I'm sure it is) to the question of "why me?" Is "why not me?" In a conversation I had with my sister we both were amazed at how peace-filled our hearts seemed during this time when everywhere we look there is a "stressor" fighting to get our attention. I honestly cannot remember who said this first, her or me (it was probably her, she is the wiser of the two)...but we said "You know, if mom dies from this cancer thing, it will be WAY TOO SOON...she is WAY TOO YOUNG. But, you know, if she dies at 100 I'll still feel like it was WAY TOO SOON." I think both of us have come to the realization in this journey that the thing that is the most "unfair" of all is how blessed we have been to get to be her daughters. It truly isn't fair to have grown up in such a loving home, with such amazing God-honoring parents. How thankful I am to have been so blessed indeed!

You might think I'm crazy. I'm sure you'd be correct in that assumption. But, I just truly sense a peace which cannot be explained amidst the chaos of this cancer.

I know God is still God - He is who He claims to be in scripture, and He hasn't changed. I know that cancer, and pain and death is NOT the final word, for Jesus did not just die on the cross He rose from the grave and CONQUERED pain and death. I know that God desires to bless me. And, as much as I wish His blessing would come in in the form of a "CANCER-FREE" surprise diagnosis for mom, I still know that the peace and joy I feel in this time are equally miraculous and undeserved as that miracle would be.

To God be the glory - for all He has done, and all He has yet to do - but mostly for being the Awesome Abba that He is.
(Eph 3:20)

Thomas Merton Prayer

Below is a prayer I love, but they are not my words. They are the words of Thomas Merton, a well-known and some-what controversial author and Trappist monk. I encountered these words for the first time during a very uncertain season in my life. They brought comfort and encouragement. They also changed me. I recognized in my own heart a fear to say, "God, I don't really know you, but I wish I did." Not realizing at the time it is far less heretical and displeasing to God to just be honest and to speak the truth. In other words, I have come to know for certainty that honesty before God is crucial, even when it is the confessing of a heart which says "I just don't get it." I am posting this prayer to my site in hopes it can help others...and also as a testimony of my own uncertainty. The only thing I know for certain some days is that I want to please God, and I hope I have that desire lived out in all I do today! AMEN.

O Lord God, 

I have no idea where I am going, 

I do not see the road ahead of me, 

I cannot know for certain where it will end. 

Nor do I really know myself, 

And that fact that I think I am following Your will 

Does not mean that I am actually doing so. 

But I believe 

That the desire to please You 

Does in fact please You. 

And I hope I have that desire In all that I am doing. 

I hope that I will never do anything Apart from that desire to please You. 

And I know that if I do this 

You will lead me by the right road, 

Though I may know nothing about it. 

Therefore I will trust You always 

Though I may seem to be lost 

And in the shadow of death. 

I will not fear, 

For You are ever with me, 

And You will never leave me 

To make my journey alone.

Good Thing God is Gracious!

Today, right now, I am struggling to breathe. Strictly speaking, I am physically okay. My heart, however, is not.

Because, you see, today I am acutely aware of how broken I am. Most of my life has been spent pretending this is not the case. Unfortunately, that just makes the realization of my imperfections and weaknesses more acute in this moment.

The fullness of my failures are weighing upon me. Don't be too quick to judge: it is likely you'd struggle to catch your next breath, too, if you were in this kind of a moment.

Or, maybe you've been there. Maybe you know exactly what it is to feel the devastating reality that you are not as whole and as put together as people think. Maybe you've had that moment of honesty whereby you see the real you, behind the makeup and underneath the facade that usually protects you from these troubling thoughts.

Well, my friends, I hate to dump this on you - but, you are not okay. I know this because I know how truly non-okay I am. We are a broken people. You and I...we are broken. Honestly, it doesn't really matter what the state is of our lives, or the stability of our jobs, or the certainty of our family relationships. Individually we are broken. Corporately we are equally inept. Let's face it: as a people, we are disgraceful and damaged and defective.

And for any of you thinking this is not the case - please be careful in your response. I do not believe God was joking when he said, "pride goes before the fall." Actually, that's what my grandmother used to say. The real words of scripture are a bit more specific: "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall" (Proverbs 16:18).

We should all be very careful before we cross off our need for a savior, and for healing, and for hope, and for redemption. You need this. I do, too. We all need a Savior. Even (or maybe especially) those of us who have grown up in the church who think we have it all together. The very moment we think "we've made it," might in fact be the moment we've lost it - because ONLY God is holy and ONLY God is righteous and ONLY God is perfect.

Bear with me here, because I know what some of you are thinking. "But we are the Body of Christ!" Aren't we supposed to be the "saved" ones? We are the ones who have the answers and the hope and who trust the promises of the One who did the saving.

And I say, "Yes, we are!" At least, we are supposed to be.

But are we? Really?

I spent so much of my growing up years hearing the "truth" (if I could, this is where I would sarcastically enter some air quotes with my hands) of salvation. Sin (choosing to do something wrong, or neglecting to do something right) is what breaks us, and we need to be forgiven. We are lucky to have a Savior who shed His blood in our place so that we could say "I'm sorry," and he would say, "That's Okay. I love you." And all would be made right.

The trouble is, the older I get and the longer I live the more ridiculous that seems.

Before you write me off as a total lunatic and complete heretic, please hear me out. I believe in the person and the work of Jesus the Christ. There is zero doubt in my heart or mind that he did in fact live a perfect life and die a disturbing death - not because of anything he did wrong, but to take the place, or atone, for my sin and yours. Jesus the Christ IS the messiah, the One who IS God incarnate and who died and rose again and ascended into heaven - the One who will return to judge the world and redeem the world and the One who will reign for ever and ever amen.

But, there is a vast difference between believing in Jesus the Christ and thinking that somehow gives you and me a free pass to say "sorry" and that will make everything right. That is NOT the gospel truth. Where in the world did that idea even come from in the first place? It is so twisted from the Jesus I encounter in the New Testament Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, & John.

Nor is the point of the gospel ONLY forgiveness of sin. And, here is where most of us struggle. Because we've been taught sin is a big deal. (And, of course, it IS in fact a big deal, so to some extent that is a good thing). But, because we have focused so much on the sin part, and on personal forgiveness, we have missed the bigger picture of redemption and healing and wholeness and life together which Jesus ushers in.

Last time I checked, the words "personal Lord and Savior" are not actually in scripture. (Now, not all of the words we use to describe the reality of God and His truth are in scripture - like the word Trinity. The concept of the trinity, of Father, Son and Spirit is certainly in scripture, but the word never is). It is important to note: just because those words "personal Lord and Savior" aren't there does NOT mean the concept is false.

So, then, what does scripture actually say, and what does it really mean?

Several times some form of this promise is given in scripture, "Everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved." (Acts 2:21). Romans 10:9-10 also says, "For if you confess with your mouth 'Jesus is LORD' and believe in your heart God raised Him from the dead you will be saved." And in 1 John it says, "If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin" (1 John 1:7).

Obviously sin matters. Obviously Jesus knew this and provided a way for us to be forgiven. Obviously there is something we must do to accept this gift. All of that is true, and right, and awesome.

All I'm saying here is: it is not the entire story of the gospel. Forgiveness of sin is crucial, but it is not the ONLY crucial thing.

And yet, most of us live as though we kinda think it just might be. And then, the natural flow of things leads us to thinking that since we aren't doing the basic, most popular sins, we've somehow escaped sins reach. You know, I've never killed anyone, so I can cross that sin off. And, since I pay my taxes and am a decent neighbor who turns my loud music down at 10pm, I can probably cross some other stuff off the list also. And, since my list is shorter than most, I must be doing okay.

Hogwash.

And here's why: the sin in our lives is not a ledger-accounting system where as long as we "do more good" than "bad" we'll come out okay. ALL sin is sin, and at no point can I as a human get to the place where I can be right before God because my account balances okay.

Here's another reason why: God is not only concerned about the sin in my life (i.e. did I look at something on the TV or computer I should not have?) Rather, God is equally concerned with the state of my heart that would have led me towards those things that stand opposed to Him. God is most concerned with the brokenness of my life, and the separateness from Him I live with daily, and the way I treat others. God is also deeply concerned that I finally get to the place where I realize (I mean fully own and acknowledge) that my life is not all about me, my personal happiness/success/or the fulfillment of my dreams. Does God care about these things? Certainly! Are they the most important thing? Not even close.

Take the 1 John passage as an example. Here it is as a complete thought. "5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us. 1 My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. 2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. 3-6 We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did."

(Emphasis on verses 2:3-2:6 are, of course, mine).

Take a moment and reflect on the words from that passage. Sin is a huge theme. But, so is the state of our hearts, the honesty with which we live, and how genuinely we follow Jesus the Christ in our living. "Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did."

And that, my friends, is where most of us fall short.

If you are anything like me you take that to mean, "Jesus lived a sin-free life. I must live a sin-free life." But, in reality saying that Jesus lived a sin-free life is only one part of the picture. Jesus did live a sin free life. He also lived a sacrificial life (see Philippians 2). Jesus also lived a prayer-filled life (see Mark 1:35, Luke 5:16 & 6:12, and John Chapter 17). Jesus also lived an others-centered life, building relationships and traveling with friends (even those he knew would betray him like Peter and Judas).

Jesus also lived with one heart and one focus: to honor God and do His will IN ALL THINGS (see Matthew 16:23-27).

The Jesus I encounter in the scriptures spent time actually feeding people literal bread, touching broken bodies to offer healing, bridging social gaps to welcome and embrace the outcast, and fulfilling all of the Old Testament prophecy.

So, here's where this truth is a doozy for me. If I am honest: I don't live exactly like Jesus. Do I sacrifice for others? Yes. Usually only to a certain extent where I know I'll still be safe. Do I pray? Yes. Usually only selfishly for myself and others I love. Do I spend my time feeding people? Yes - when I've scheduled it into my calendar to give away a can of soup almost near expiration or have set aside an hour or two to head downtown to an inner city "ministry."

You see my point.

How can I not acknowledge how very broken this is? How can I not confess that I have missed it somehow? I have acknowledged Jesus with my lips and denied him with my lifestyle. I have plastered on a happy face and pretended everything was OK, when everything was not OK. How is this not deceitful? I have thought I have it all together - how is this not pride-filled and disgusting before a holy and righteous God?

So, here's some more confession time, since we're being brutally honest. When I started writing this chapter, the brokenness of which I referred had a whole lot to do with some very personal junk I have been experiencing lately. Even my brokenness is and was so very selfish at its core.

As I started to process the honest questions, doubts, fears, pain, and confusion of my heart I realized some important things. First of all, I am desperate. Not for the answers to the prayers I have prayed today, but for the presence of the Living God. Second of all, I am broken. Even still, after having walked "with Jesus" for 3 decades of life. I am broken. I need a Savior, and a Healer, and the hope which only God offers. I might be a pastor, and I might do some things in life pretty well, but when it comes down to it I am just as (if not more so) really truly hopeless, and pathetic, and...broken.

Thank Goodness God is God! And, thank heavens He is GOOD and GRACIOUS and LOVING and PATIENT, and everything else that is AMAZING and AWESOME!

You see, God promises so much more than "just" forgiveness of sin (though that is abundantly more than you and I deserve). Toward the end of his life, John the Baptist questions Jesus, asking if Jesus is really who he claims to be (you can find their discourse in Matthew 11). In answer to John's questions, Jesus references a passage from Isaiah 61 "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory." (Isaiah 61:1-3).

I am devastated by the course of some things in my life. I look at my life and realize how many mistakes I have made. I see the hurt I have caused others either by my action or my inaction. I feel the distance I have placed between God's heart and my own. I know I need His forgiveness - and praise God it is given freely! But, I also need His presence. I need Him to turn my mourning into a joyous blessing and grant me a crown of beauty instead of ashes.

Ashes might be all I have to offer Him today - how incredible that He promises not to turn my broken heart away from His. (Psalm 51:17).

So, today, I cannot express clearly enough how thankful I am it is NOT ONLY forgiveness of sin which Christ offers us. It is wholeness. It is health and it is comfort (to the extent I am made healthy by His touch, and am comforted by His presence in my life). It is the certainty of knowing the creator of the universe has provided a way for me not ONLY to escape the terror of hell and punishment but ALSO to rest in His love and hope and grace and truth - which is equally as undeserved.

And then, once I've met with this AWESOME ALMIGHTY, how can I not turn and give to others that which has been so freely given to me? How could I ever recoil from sharing the hope I have found, or showing the Healers work in my life?

May I live each day from the honest place of true humility. I am not perfect, I do not have it all together, and this is not the way God intends it to be. May I seek the healer behind the healing and the Holy Spirit who offers the hope, not just the gifts of His hands. May I then not hoard and selfishly protect what I have been given, but would I instead live to courageously bestow on others that which has been so generously given to me. And what I pray for myself I ask for you as well. That we might be His hands and His feet, even and especially amidst the most broken places of our hearts and lives.