Today, right now, I am struggling to breathe. Strictly speaking, I am physically okay. My heart, however, is not.
Because, you see, today I am acutely aware of how broken I am. Most of my life has been spent pretending this is not the case. Unfortunately, that just makes the realization of my imperfections and weaknesses more acute in this moment.
The fullness of my failures are weighing upon me. Don't be too quick to judge: it is likely you'd struggle to catch your next breath, too, if you were in this kind of a moment.
Or, maybe you've been there. Maybe you know exactly what it is to feel the devastating reality that you are not as whole and as put together as people think. Maybe you've had that moment of honesty whereby you see the real you, behind the makeup and underneath the facade that usually protects you from these troubling thoughts.
Well, my friends, I hate to dump this on you - but, you are not okay. I know this because I know how truly non-okay I am. We are a broken people. You and I...we are broken. Honestly, it doesn't really matter what the state is of our lives, or the stability of our jobs, or the certainty of our family relationships. Individually we are broken. Corporately we are equally inept. Let's face it: as a people, we are disgraceful and damaged and defective.
And for any of you thinking this is not the case - please be careful in your response. I do not believe God was joking when he said, "pride goes before the fall." Actually, that's what my grandmother used to say. The real words of scripture are a bit more specific: "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall" (Proverbs 16:18).
We should all be very careful before we cross off our need for a savior, and for healing, and for hope, and for redemption. You need this. I do, too. We all need a Savior. Even (or maybe especially) those of us who have grown up in the church who think we have it all together. The very moment we think "we've made it," might in fact be the moment we've lost it - because ONLY God is holy and ONLY God is righteous and ONLY God is perfect.
Bear with me here, because I know what some of you are thinking. "But we are the Body of Christ!" Aren't we supposed to be the "saved" ones? We are the ones who have the answers and the hope and who trust the promises of the One who did the saving.
And I say, "Yes, we are!" At least, we are supposed to be.
But are we? Really?
I spent so much of my growing up years hearing the "truth" (if I could, this is where I would sarcastically enter some air quotes with my hands) of salvation. Sin (choosing to do something wrong, or neglecting to do something right) is what breaks us, and we need to be forgiven. We are lucky to have a Savior who shed His blood in our place so that we could say "I'm sorry," and he would say, "That's Okay. I love you." And all would be made right.
The trouble is, the older I get and the longer I live the more ridiculous that seems.
Before you write me off as a total lunatic and complete heretic, please hear me out. I believe in the person and the work of Jesus the Christ. There is zero doubt in my heart or mind that he did in fact live a perfect life and die a disturbing death - not because of anything he did wrong, but to take the place, or atone, for my sin and yours. Jesus the Christ IS the messiah, the One who IS God incarnate and who died and rose again and ascended into heaven - the One who will return to judge the world and redeem the world and the One who will reign for ever and ever amen.
But, there is a vast difference between believing in Jesus the Christ and thinking that somehow gives you and me a free pass to say "sorry" and that will make everything right. That is NOT the gospel truth. Where in the world did that idea even come from in the first place? It is so twisted from the Jesus I encounter in the New Testament Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, & John.
Nor is the point of the gospel ONLY forgiveness of sin. And, here is where most of us struggle. Because we've been taught sin is a big deal. (And, of course, it IS in fact a big deal, so to some extent that is a good thing). But, because we have focused so much on the sin part, and on personal forgiveness, we have missed the bigger picture of redemption and healing and wholeness and life together which Jesus ushers in.
Last time I checked, the words "personal Lord and Savior" are not actually in scripture. (Now, not all of the words we use to describe the reality of God and His truth are in scripture - like the word Trinity. The concept of the trinity, of Father, Son and Spirit is certainly in scripture, but the word never is). It is important to note: just because those words "personal Lord and Savior" aren't there does NOT mean the concept is false.
So, then, what does scripture actually say, and what does it really mean?
Several times some form of this promise is given in scripture, "Everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved." (Acts 2:21). Romans 10:9-10 also says, "For if you confess with your mouth 'Jesus is LORD' and believe in your heart God raised Him from the dead you will be saved." And in 1 John it says, "If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin" (1 John 1:7).
Obviously sin matters. Obviously Jesus knew this and provided a way for us to be forgiven. Obviously there is something we must do to accept this gift. All of that is true, and right, and awesome.
All I'm saying here is: it is not the entire story of the gospel. Forgiveness of sin is crucial, but it is not the ONLY crucial thing.
And yet, most of us live as though we kinda think it just might be. And then, the natural flow of things leads us to thinking that since we aren't doing the basic, most popular sins, we've somehow escaped sins reach. You know, I've never killed anyone, so I can cross that sin off. And, since I pay my taxes and am a decent neighbor who turns my loud music down at 10pm, I can probably cross some other stuff off the list also. And, since my list is shorter than most, I must be doing okay.
Hogwash.
And here's why: the sin in our lives is not a ledger-accounting system where as long as we "do more good" than "bad" we'll come out okay. ALL sin is sin, and at no point can I as a human get to the place where I can be right before God because my account balances okay.
Here's another reason why: God is not only concerned about the sin in my life (i.e. did I look at something on the TV or computer I should not have?) Rather, God is equally concerned with the state of my heart that would have led me towards those things that stand opposed to Him. God is most concerned with the brokenness of my life, and the separateness from Him I live with daily, and the way I treat others. God is also deeply concerned that I finally get to the place where I realize (I mean fully own and acknowledge) that my life is not all about me, my personal happiness/success/or the fulfillment of my dreams. Does God care about these things? Certainly! Are they the most important thing? Not even close.
Take the 1 John passage as an example. Here it is as a complete thought. "5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us. 1 My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. 2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. 3-6 We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did."
(Emphasis on verses 2:3-2:6 are, of course, mine).
Take a moment and reflect on the words from that passage. Sin is a huge theme. But, so is the state of our hearts, the honesty with which we live, and how genuinely we follow Jesus the Christ in our living. "Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did."
And that, my friends, is where most of us fall short.
If you are anything like me you take that to mean, "Jesus lived a sin-free life. I must live a sin-free life." But, in reality saying that Jesus lived a sin-free life is only one part of the picture. Jesus did live a sin free life. He also lived a sacrificial life (see Philippians 2). Jesus also lived a prayer-filled life (see Mark 1:35, Luke 5:16 & 6:12, and John Chapter 17). Jesus also lived an others-centered life, building relationships and traveling with friends (even those he knew would betray him like Peter and Judas). Jesus also lived with one heart and one focus: to honor God and do His will IN ALL THINGS (see Matthew 16:23-27).
The Jesus I encounter in the scriptures spent time actually feeding people literal bread, touching broken bodies to offer healing, bridging social gaps to welcome and embrace the outcast, and fulfilling all of the Old Testament prophecy.
So, here's where this truth is a doozy for me. If I am honest: I don't live exactly like Jesus. Do I sacrifice for others? Yes. Usually only to a certain extent where I know I'll still be safe. Do I pray? Yes. Usually only selfishly for myself and others I love. Do I spend my time feeding people? Yes - when I've scheduled it into my calendar to give away a can of soup almost near expiration or have set aside an hour or two to head downtown to an inner city "ministry."
You see my point.
How can I not acknowledge how very broken this is? How can I not confess that I have missed it somehow? I have acknowledged Jesus with my lips and denied him with my lifestyle. I have plastered on a happy face and pretended everything was OK, when everything was not OK. How is this not deceitful? I have thought I have it all together - how is this not pride-filled and disgusting before a holy and righteous God?
So, here's some more confession time, since we're being brutally honest. When I started writing this chapter, the brokenness of which I referred had a whole lot to do with some very personal junk I have been experiencing lately. Even my brokenness is and was so very selfish at its core.
As I started to process the honest questions, doubts, fears, pain, and confusion of my heart I realized some important things. First of all, I am desperate. Not for the answers to the prayers I have prayed today, but for the presence of the Living God. Second of all, I am broken. Even still, after having walked "with Jesus" for 3 decades of life. I am broken. I need a Savior, and a Healer, and the hope which only God offers. I might be a pastor, and I might do some things in life pretty well, but when it comes down to it I am just as (if not more so) really truly hopeless, and pathetic, and...broken.
Thank Goodness God is God! And, thank heavens He is GOOD and GRACIOUS and LOVING and PATIENT, and everything else that is AMAZING and AWESOME!
You see, God promises so much more than "just" forgiveness of sin (though that is abundantly more than you and I deserve). Toward the end of his life, John the Baptist questions Jesus, asking if Jesus is really who he claims to be (you can find their discourse in Matthew 11). In answer to John's questions, Jesus references a passage from Isaiah 61 "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory." (Isaiah 61:1-3).
I am devastated by the course of some things in my life. I look at my life and realize how many mistakes I have made. I see the hurt I have caused others either by my action or my inaction. I feel the distance I have placed between God's heart and my own. I know I need His forgiveness - and praise God it is given freely! But, I also need His presence. I need Him to turn my mourning into a joyous blessing and grant me a crown of beauty instead of ashes.
Ashes might be all I have to offer Him today - how incredible that He promises not to turn my broken heart away from His. (Psalm 51:17).
So, today, I cannot express clearly enough how thankful I am it is NOT ONLY forgiveness of sin which Christ offers us. It is wholeness. It is health and it is comfort (to the extent I am made healthy by His touch, and am comforted by His presence in my life). It is the certainty of knowing the creator of the universe has provided a way for me not ONLY to escape the terror of hell and punishment but ALSO to rest in His love and hope and grace and truth - which is equally as undeserved.
And then, once I've met with this AWESOME ALMIGHTY, how can I not turn and give to others that which has been so freely given to me? How could I ever recoil from sharing the hope I have found, or showing the Healers work in my life?
May I live each day from the honest place of true humility. I am not perfect, I do not have it all together, and this is not the way God intends it to be. May I seek the healer behind the healing and the Holy Spirit who offers the hope, not just the gifts of His hands. May I then not hoard and selfishly protect what I have been given, but would I instead live to courageously bestow on others that which has been so generously given to me. And what I pray for myself I ask for you as well. That we might be His hands and His feet, even and especially amidst the most broken places of our hearts and lives.
